Posted By: Booker
Date: Friday July 23 [2:19 PM]
The name placard on the desk reads, “Thomas Sidney Wallace, Esq. - Attorney at Law”. Sitting in his lower Manhattan 40th floor office, behind a massive mahogany desk, Wallace can hardly believe his eyes. Having worked his way up from ambulance chasing in the Catskills, the portly, 58 year old litigant has been a licensed trail lawyer in the state of New York for over 30 years. He’s proud of the practice he’s put together and the elegant office with its stellar views, over which he now presides. However, in all his days as an attorney, he’s never seen anything like the trio of gentlemen seated directly across from him. These three knuckleheads look like they couldn’t produce a viable case if is bit them in the a$$.
Perched in antique Louie the 4th wooden chairs are three members of a group called the Maxima BBS. Seated to Wallace’s left is Jambo, a normal enough looking fellow. To his right is Froman. Froman’s entire head is wrapped in a giant ace bandage, save for spaces in the wrapping which expose his mouth, nostrils and eyes. That in and of itself is strange enough, but to make matters worse – he’s wearing sunglasses! Inside the office, with his head wrapped up like “The Mummy”, he’s wearing Rayban Wayfarers! He looks like he’s playing “The Invisible Man” in an off-Broadway production. And the man seated inbetween Froman and Jambo really takes the cake. Perched gingerly on his chair is Eben. Eben’s face is shining from the smattering of Vaseline that he has caked on his mug. Beneath the half inch layer of Vaseline, his face is absolutely pink. Like one day after the world’s worst sunburn.
The lawyer is examining the three men with growing suspicion that this isn’t some sort of a shake down. When, leaning forward over his desk, he notices that Eben’e eyebrows appear to have been DRAWN onto his forehead with a black magic marker! And then upon closer inspection, he realizes that the young man has no eyelashes!! What the…?
Wallace: “So let me get this straight. You all are members of the NISMO BBS. Which is a Nissan Maxima owners club. You claim that all of these injuries happened to you at the same place?”
Froman (mumbling from behind his bandages): “Yes, that’s right.”
Wallace: “And this was a party of some sort?”
Froman: “Check.”
Wallace: “Is this club recognized by Nissan?”
Froman: “Well, they talk about us at there web site, there might even be a link.”
Wallace: “Hmmm. Ok, let’s talk about your injuries first, we can go over the specifics of the liable parties later. (Looking at Jambo) Let’s start with you.”
With that Jambo starts speaking. His lips are moving, however his voice is so low that the words coming out of his mouth cannot be heard. He’s BARELY whispering. After a couple of seconds, the lawyer rudely interrupts him.
Wallace: “Speak up man! What are you, a low-talker? I can’t hear a word you’re saying!”
Jambo gets a determined look on his face and starts his story again from the top. Same result. Tom Wallace is now getting agitated.
Wallace: “I SAID SPEAK UP!”
Froman jumps in: “He can’t. That’s the problem, he’s sustained a contusion to his larynx and can’t speak any louder than what you hear now.”
Wallace: “What! You mean that’s it? He can’t even talk?”
(Jambo is nodding his head furiously)
Wallace: “How’d this happen?!”
Froman: “He had a day planner rammed down his throat.”
Wallace (nearly gagging on his sip of tea): “WHAT!!?!?!?!” A day planner!?”
Froman: “That’s right. Andi, the host of the party, did it. That’s why we’ve named him as a defendant.”
Wallace: “I should think so. (to Froman) What about you? What’s with the head wrap?”
(Wallace begins sipping his tea again.)
Froman: “His – I mean, Andi’s – wife, hit me up side the head with a rolling pin.”
This time Wallace does gag and forcefully spits out his tea. The scalding hot liquid flys across his desk and a good portion of it lands on Eben’s face. Eben had been sitting silently, but the second the hot water hits the tender skin on his face, he erupts in pain.
Eben: “YYYEEEEOOOOWWWWWWW!!!”
Wallace: “Sorry, sorry! What the…? What are you talking about?”
Froman: “Andi’s wife threw us all out of the house, but before I could get out, she grabbed a rolling pin and belted me with it. I have a minor concussion and a lump on my head the size of a baseball.”
Wallace: “Was this witnessed by anybody?”
Froman: “ANYBODY? It was witnessed by everybody! Jim 95SE/SC almost took one too.”
Wallace is now thinking to himself that maybe these guys DO have something. Little does he know, the best is yet to come.
Wallace (to Eben): “Are you ok?
Eben: “Fine.”
Wallace: “Well, what’s your story?”
Jambo (lips begin moving):
Wallace: “Don’t start with me.”
Froman: “He was nearly burned to death.”
Wallace: “I asked HIM.”
Froman: “I know, but he doesn’t like to talk about it – trauma you know.”
Wallace (now seeing dollar signs and licking his chops): “So as a result of this, I guess he can’t have sex either, right?!”
Eben: “DAMN right I can! Any time, any place!!! Who said anything about that?! I got phone numbers from THREE girls in one night last month! And I’m gonna call ‘em all! ”
Wallace: “Calm down. What happened?”
Froman: “He got burned in a giant fire ball.”
Wallace: “What? How?”
Froman: “Shing…”
Wallace: “Who?”
Froman: “An uninvited guest at the party did it.”
Wallace: “Wow.”
Wallace (now rocking back in his chair, mulling this over): “Establishing tort, pain & suffering and damages should be easy enough. But what about assets? Are these guys, Andi or Shing, rich?”
Jambo’s lips begin moving
Wallace : “What’d he say?”
(Froman leans over and places his ear next to Jambo’s mouth.)
Froman: “He says that Nissan has a lot of money.”
Wallace: “So they do.”
Wallace breaks from the conversation and starts day dreaming. Nissan? Why not? Sure, this NISMO must be affiliated somehow, and with that link established, Nissan could be held liable. This is it, this is the case he’s been waiting for. 10,…20,…no 50. 50 million. He’ll sue for 50 million dollars. This will be huge! Time, Newsweek, Wall Street Journal will all carry this story. This will put him on the map! Wallace snaps himself out of his thoughts and looks to Eben.
Wallace: “Tell me more about this – fire ball.
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