Posted By:
Booker (ReMax'd) (216.32.176.203)
Date: Friday November 05 [12:18:16 PM]
Having taken two crushing losses in a row at The Manly Games, members of the MaximaMafia have been feeling less than chipper all week. They’ve moped around and held a few half hearted strategy sessions on how best to approach Event 5 – The “Unusual Objects” Scavenger Hunt in Harlem, NY. There are a few members of the Mafia from New York City, to be sure. But they seldom if ever venture into the streets of the ghetto, and even if they were familiar with Harlem, they don’t know what they’ll be scavenging for. Needless to say, these meetings have been less than productive. And the MaximaMafia is at an all time low, morale wise.
So, in an effort to re-invigorate themselves, four of the boyz have decided to return to the scene of the crime of their last great triumph in AStBBST. Yes, the boyz have headed to the left coast for a little R&R. Its Friday morning and MaximaMike, BryanH, Biomax and MaximaLuva have all arrived in San Francisco. They rented a 99 Maxima GXE from Hertz Rent-a-Car at the airport, and are enjoying the first day of a three day weekend.
Its around 7:30pm and they’ve just finished pumping up their blood cholesterol by polishing off bacon/cheddar burgers, chili-cheese fries and vanilla cokes at Johnny Rockets on Filmore Street. The group consensus is to head out to a comedy club, relax and have a few yuks. What better way to wind down and let off some steam? They’ve tried The Comedy Store, but the joint was oversold – turning people away at the door. So they ventured downtown to The Improv. No line, - looks like a winner.
Approaching the rather large bouncer at the entrance, BryanH notices the sandwich board sign on the sidewalk just outside the door.
ByranH (reading out loud): “Tonight, open mic night! Come in and show your stuff! Cash prizes!”
MaximaLuva: “Hey, this could be fun!”
Biomax: “You’re dog-gone right it could be. And I’m going to be leaving here with that money!”
MaximaMike: “Forget that for now guys, what about THIS?!”
MaximaMike is nodding his chin in the direction of the bouncer. At 15 years old, his ability to gain entrance into a night club is less than certain. He’s brought the fake I.D. that he’s been using all summer, but the picture on it really does not resemble him much. He’s visibly nervous, as this bouncer does not look like the sort who’s easily amused by 15 year olds trying to sneak into a 21 and up club.
MaximaLuva: “Don’t sweat it man. Its all in the attitude. Just walk right in as if you own the joint.”
BryanH: “Yeh, he’s right. Just act cool and follow our lead. He probably won’t even card us.”
BryanH leads the charge toward the door. He gives the bouncer a quick “Wats’up?” and attempts to walk right by. The bouncer is having none of it. He blocks the doorway.
Bouncer: “I.D. please.”
This doesn’t look good. BryanH quickly flashes his driver’s license and tries to continue his trek in. The bouncer again stops him and snatches the license from his hand. The bouncer carefully examines the card and, looking at the date of birth, does the math in his head.
Bouncer: “Ok.”
He gives BryanH his license back. Biomax is next in line followed by MaximaMike and then MaximaLuva bringing up the rear. MaximaLuva attempts to avoid the catastrophe:
MaximaLuva: “Man, are you really going to card every one of us? This place isn’t that hard core is it. We’re all of age, c’mon, we want to get in and get a good table.”
Bouncer (taking Biomax’s I.D. out of his hand): “A - yes I am. B - yes we’re that hard core. C – there’s still plenty of tables available, right down front near the stage. (Eyes Biomax’s I.D. card & hands it back to him). Thanks.”
MaximaMike is up next. He does his best to puff out his chest, walk tall and not look nervous. He’s failing. The bouncer is already eyeing him suspiciously. The bouncer takes his fake I.D. and starts looking it over:
Name: Eric Gerkowitz
Age: 23
Height: 6’2
Weight: 204
Bouncer (eyeing the skinny teenager): “Lost a little weight?”
MaxmiaMike (chuckles nervously): “Uuuu, yeh. Heh, heh. I’ve been going to Jenny Crank…er…I mean Craig. Jenny Craig.”
The bouncer smiles at the quip. MaximaMike is relieved to see that he has some sense of humor. He’s back to staring at the I.D.. The picture on the card has blond hair, (MaximaMike’s hair is black), a five o’clock shadow, (MaximaMike’s baby face appears to be three years away from its first shave), and blue eyes, (MaximaMike’s eyes are brown). This not to mention that MaximaMike is 5’10 in extra thick socks & 155 lbs. Soaking wet. The bouncer smells a rat.
Bouncer: “So Eric, what color are your eyes?”
MaximaMike is on the verge of panic. He doesn’t have a clue what the I.D. says. He takes a guess:
MaximaMike: “Brown.”
Bouncer: “Wrong! (points down the street) Now get out of here.”
Now MaximaMike has to make a fight or flight decision. Not looking forward to a night in the hotel room alone & figuring he’s got little left to lose, he chooses the former:
MaximaMike (raising his voice as if getting angry): “WHAT?!! I think I’d know my own eye color!! Do you think I’d dragged my butt all the way out here to California, just to be hassled by you?!!”
The others are shocked, but the bouncer is caught off guard. He hadn’t expected this and is clearly caught not knowing which way to react. MaximaMike picks up on his indecision and intensifies the assault. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out three fifty dollar bills. He begins waving them in the air.
MaximaMike: “I’m out here on vacation looking to have a good time! My money is as good as anybodies, if you don’t want it spent here at your lousy club – FINE – I’ll take it somewhere else! But you let me talk to the manager first!!”
The bouncer now has to make a decision. Call his bluff or cave in. He chooses the latter:
Bouncer (shoves MaximaMike’s I.D. back into his hand): “You’ve got cajones, kid. (waves the entire group in) Go ahead.”
They’re in.
BryanH: “Wow man, that was great! Whew! I though that dude was going to give us the heave-ho for sure.”
MaximaMike (now pumped up with false bravado): “Are you kidding me? Not a chance! I own that guy. If he would’ve made a move, I’da been all over him like a bum on a bologna sandwich! What a punk.”
The foursome enjoy a good laugh en route to their table. MaximaLuva slipped the hostess a twenty, and the group is rewarded with a front row table. Just a few feet from the stage. The place is now packed out to standing room only. The main stage room is bursting at its 300 person capacity. After all, it’s Friday night.
At 8:15 sharp, the Master of Ceremony comes out and ambles toward the microphone. He grabs it and starts warming up the crowd:
MC: “Hey! Welcome back everybody, to our second set of the night. Y’all feeling alright?!”
The crowd lets out a low level groan.
MC: “Awww, that was weak. I said, San Francisco - are you feeling alright?!”
This time he gets a slightly stronger reaction & decides it’s the best he’s likely to get.
MC: “Okaaaayy. Well, as you know, tonight is open mic night. We had some pretty funny dudes out here last time around, but I get the feeling there’s some funnier ones in this crowd. So, who wants to come here and give ‘er a whirl? Hmmm?”
Back at the boyz table:
Biomax: “Man, I’ve got to get up there. I’ll really WOW ‘em!”
MaximaLuva: “Go for it dude.”
Biomax: “I am. After all, I’m the funniest guy I know! HAA!”
With that, Biomax hops up and walks over to the steps, up onto the stage & begins approaching the MC.
MC: “HEY! Looks like we’ve got our first contestant.”
Biomax reaches the microphone & is greeted with a hand shake by the MC.
MC: “So, what’s your name?”
Biomax: “Biomax.”
MC: “Huh?”
Biomax: “Biomax.”
MC: “Bio Max?”
Biomax: “Yup.”
MC (into the microphone): “Well Bio, are you from the City or just visiting?”
Biomax: “No, its Biomax.”
MC: “That’s what I said.”
Biomax: “No you didn’t”.
MC: “Ok, whatever. Where are you from Mr. Max?”
Biomax: “Its Biomax. Just Biomax.”
MC: “Oh for crying out loud! Ladies and Gentlemen - BIOMAX!”
A few people in the crowd applaud, but its basically quiet. Biomax gets ready to deliver a firestorm of manic humor.
Biomax: “Greetings, greetings…what a great looking crowd. You know, I just flew in from Houston this afternoon and boy are my arms tired!”
Nothing. Pin-drop silence.
Biomax: “Say, was that Jimmy Hoffa I saw over at the bar???”
The drummer in the band, sensing that Biomax is dying a slow death, does his best to help him out. He gives a classic “ba-dum-bump” after Biomax delivers the punch line.
“ba-dum-bump”
Nothing.
No crowd reaction at all. Biomax is alone on an island. He looks over to the edge of the stage at the MC. He says to him, over his shoulder: “Wow, what’s with this audience?”
The MC just shrugs his shoulders at Biomax, thinking to himself, “It could be that you’re just not funny.”
Biomax: “Wow, tough crowd, you’re a tough crowd. Say, speaking of ugly. My mother-in-law is sooo ugly…”
MaximaLuva, MaximaMike & BryanH (but NO ONE else): “How ugly is she?”
Biomax: “She’s so ugly, that they used her as the model for the pictures that they put on iodine bottles!”
“ba-dum-bump”
Absolutely nothing. You could hear a cat walking across the floor. Several tables have written Biomax off & begun their own side conversations. Several others are getting just plain irritated with his stale act.
Biomax: “Geez, you guys are tough. What do you want me to do, talk about my penis??”
A heckler in the audience pipes up:
Heckler: “Well that’ll be a SHORT speech!”
Bwaaaa!! The crowd bursts out in its first uproar of the night! What a line! The heckler has them rolling. Biomax is visibly and understandably irritated at the quip, and at the fact that this smart @$$ is getting over better than he is - and at HIS expense. Biomax decides that its time to break out the big guns.
Biomx: “Say! We all know that Pluto is the FARTHEST planet from the earth, but do you know what the SIMPLEST form of life on the earth is???
….its BACTERIA!!!”
Nothing.
“BACTERIA!! Get it…? The simplest form of life….? BACTERIA!!!!”
An egg comes flying at Biomax from the back of the room, he spies it and moves out of the way just in time to avoid being hit. He turns to the MC:
Biomax: “Hey, these guys are throwing stuff at me!”
Again, the MC just shrugs in helplessness. Biomax turns his attention back to the audience. This time he’s not fast enough. He catches a glimpse of the flying orb just a fraction of a second before impact, and then - *SPLAT*!!! – the rotten tomato smacks him right in the face. Caught mouth open, some of the putrid, acidic tasting juice lands in his mouth. He starts spitting and coughing loudly. Fully satisfied by his embarrassment, the crowd gives him his first laughs. Haaa! Ha!
Sensing that the natives are becoming restless, the MC has made his move back onto the stage. He grabs the microphone away from Biomax and begins ushering him off the stage.
MC: “Bio Max, ladies & gentlemen. Thank you, thank you very much, Bio.
Biomax (over his shoulder as he’s leaving): “Did I mention that I was once just ten feet from President Bush?”
MC: “Yeh, yeh. Whatever kid.” (the MC pinches his nostrils in-between his thumb and index finger & motions to the crowd)
Biomax: “No really, I was! I’ve got the pictures to prove it!”
The MC begins desperately trying to revive the dying set, tells a few jokes and gets a mild response. Biomax returns to the table.
MaximaLuva: “Awesome job, bro! You were great.”
Biomax: “I know, I had this place right where I wanted it – then he gave me the bum’s rush off the stage!”
BryanH: “That’s because you blew, dude. And I mean you blew bad! I haven’t seen anything that funny since the ending of Saving Private Ryan. You were terrible. Those were some of the OLDEST jokes on the planet.”
Having warmed up the crowd some, the MC returns to the open mic format:
MC: “OKAY. Who’s next? I know that SOMEONE wants to give this a shot. But be warned, Mr. Bio Max was a tough act to follow.”
Back at the boyz table:
MaximaMike: “I know some pretty funny jokes, should I give it a whirl?”
BryanH: “Get up there!”
MaximaMike stands up and makes for the stage.
MC: “Hey! Looks like this table is hot tonight. What’s your name, man?”
MaximaMike: “MaximaMike”
MC: “What?!”
MaximaMike: “MaximaMike”
MC: “You’re kidding, right?”
MaximaMike: “Nope.”
MC: “Maxima Mike.”
MaximaMike: “Well actually, it was MaximaMike to begin with, but then I went to Air MaximaMike, but then that got old, so I was The Artist Formally Know as Air MaximaMike for a while, but then THAT got old, so now its just MaximaMike.”
MC: “SIT DOWN!! GET THE $#%*! OFF OF THIS STAGE AND SIT YOUR @$$ DOWN RIGHT NOW!”
Realizing that he’s in the club on borrowed time in the first place, MaximaMike decides its wisest to just get off of the stage and not make a scene. He returns to the table & the MC restarts his call for a contestant.
Back at the boyz table:
MaximaLuva: “You know, I could take a crack at this. I do some pretty good impersonations.”
BryanH: “Dude, I didn’t know you did impersonations?”
MaximaLuva: “Yeh, I’ve got a bunch of ‘em.”
Biomax: “Well hop to it then.”
MaximaLuva: “Should I?”
MaxiamMike: “Hell yeah! Get up there.”
The three practically hoist MaximaLuva out of his seat and toss him up onto the stage.
MC: “Alright! Now we’re getting someplace. What’s your name, man?”
MaximaLuva: “MaximaL….er….ah….Tony.”
MC: “Good grief.”
The MC gives the mic to MaximaLuva and gets off of the stage. MaximaLuva places the mic into the mic stand and starts his act.
MaximaLuva: “A few impersonations…….Fred Sanford.”
MaximaLuva spreads his feet out about two feet apart, locks his knees and does Fred Sanford’s stiff legged walk. The walk alone has started a few people smiling. He walks around the stage in a wide arching circle, and then returns to the mic stand.
MaximaLuva: “LaMonte – you big dummy! How’d you like five across’cho lips?!!”
MaximaLuva’a impersonation of the late Redd Foxx is surprisingly good, and some members of the audience (mostly the African-American ones) start to chuckle. Sensing that he’s onto a good thing, MaximaLuva starts on another circle around the stage. This time he’s really hamming it up. Keeping his feet about as wide apart as he can get them and walking with his knees perfectly straight, he looks like a cross between Fred Sanford and Frankenstein. The crowd is starting to get into it. He laboriously makes it back to the mic stand.
MaximaLuva: “Esther, you’re so ugly, I could take your face – stick it in some dough, and make………gorilla cookies!!”
HAA! The crowd is really getting into it. The MC can feel the attitude in the room start to turn, so can MaximaLuva. He decides to take it up a notch.
MaximaLuva: “Members of the cast of Star Trek.”
MaximaLuva breaks out in an imitation of Captain Kirk that sounds JUST like him.
Speaking in Kirk’s way of halting speech:
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “My God. This Romulan is half - dead, and only….he….knows the way to stop - this - machine. If we don’t get it…..turned off, the,…Enterprise is……doomed. I can’t understand a word he’s saying, Romulan is such a…..Complex language.” The crowd is half shocked, half in hysterics. MaximaLuva continues. “Bones, what’s he saying?”
MaximaLuva (as Doctor McCoy): “Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not some sort of inter-galactic translator!”
The place rocks with MaximaLuva’s parody of Bones McCoy. Its nearly perfect.
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “Spock?”
MaximaLuva (as Spock in a dead-on impression): “He appears to be indicating that this computer here (MaximaLuva points into the air) is the central element to the Romulan death ray.”
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “SO,……if we manage to - take it out,….we can STOP the death ray?”
MaximaLuva (as Spock): “That would be a logical presumption.”
MaximaLuva (as Kirk): “Bones, check it.”
MaximaLuva (as Doctor McCoy): “Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a super-computer engineer!”
Again, The Improv roars with laughter. MaximaLuva has the joint eating out of his hand.
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “Scotty, check it.”
MaxiamLuva (as Chief Engineer Scott): “Eye, Captain.”
MaximaLuva spends a few seconds fiddling around with the imaginary computer.
MaximaLuva (as Chief Engineer Scott): “Its going to be tricky, Captain. The thing’s rigged with all kinds of high tensile wires. There’s no telling how many volts are pumping through there. One touch of the wrong wire and it could all be over.”
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “Bones…..opinion?”
MaximaLuva (as Doctor McCoy): “Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not some sort of inner planetary electrician!!!”
Same reaction. The audience is falling out all over the place.
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “Go ahead Scotty.”
MaximaLuva drops down to one knee and begins to inspect the pretend computer. He sticks his hand in, and then suddenly & violently throws himself down onto the stage floor and begins flopping around like a trout – acting as if he’s just been electrocuted.
MaximaLuva (as Captain Kirk): “MY GOD! Bones,….check him!”
MaximaLuva (as Doctor McCoy): “DAMN IT, JIM!! I’m a doctor, not a………oh…….ahhh……..ok.”
The crowd at The Improv absolutely erupts! People are literally falling out. Several people are crying, tears rolling down their cheeks from laughing so hard. Even the MC, off stage observing, is busting a serious gut. He’s laughing so hard, that he does not take note of the dark figure that has silently moved into the shadows directly behind him. The mystery man, shrouded by darkness, is eyeing MaximaLuva intently. He hasn’t so much as cracked a smile, and is clearly not amused by MaximaLuva’s routine. He’s standing there holding a gift wrapped box. The brightly wrapped box appears to be about the size of a bowling ball.
Back on stage, MaximaLuva is reveling in his glory. The house is on fire with laughter and he’s the center of all attention. MaximaLuva steps back, surveys his arsenal of impersonations, and reaches for the atom bomb:
MaximaLuva: “An interview with Hulk Hogan.”
The place falls silent as MaximaLuva turns his back to the crowd and takes a moment to get “in character”. He then wheels around, his eyes are popping out of his head and he’s clearly straining every muscle in his body. He approaches the mic stand and begins talking down into it, as if he were addressing a much shorter person. He bellows:
MaximaLuva: “LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING,….MEAN – GENE – BROTHERRRR!!!!
The forcefulness of MaximaLuva’s voice catches the entire crowd off guard, and he sounds for all the world, just like the snarling Hulk.
“LAST WEEK, WHEN LUMBERJACK AND THE JERSEY CITY MAULER ATTACKED ME FROM BEHIND, THEY REALLY THOUGHT THEY’D ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING, BROTHERRRR!”
“Yeh, you two snot nosed punks thought that your were really cool when you - hit me over the head with a pipe wrench, - painted me red with tomato paste, and - pulled out all of my eye lashes, MANNN!!”
“Well let me tell ya something, Lumberjack - BROTHERR! YOU’RE NOT THE FIRST GUY - TO HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A PIPE WRENCH, PAINT ME RED WITH TOMATO PASTE, AND PULL OUT ALL OF MY EYE LASHES, MANNN!!!!”
Bwwaaaaaaaaaa!! HAA! HA!! The Improv is in total hysterics. Everyone – the waitresses, the bus boys, the valets…everyone has come in to hear MaximaLuva, & they are all bawling with laughter. Everyone, that is, except for the figure in the shadows back stage, is rolling. MaximaLuva continues:
“Well you two punks screwed up, big time man. You messed up, because YOU DIDN’T FINISH THE JOB!! That’s right, BROTHERRS! Because HULK-A-MANIA IS STILL RUN’N WILD!! And this weekend, Lumberjack, BROTHERRR, at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum – I’ve got you right were I want you, JACK!!”
(MaximaLuva snarls and inhales loudly) “INSIDE A TWENTY FOOT TALL STEEL CAGE!! No where to run, no where to hide, BRAH!”
“And after I drop this BIG ELBOW on ya, and pin your shoulders to that mat for the (MaximaLuva slaps his hands together, vertically, three times) for the ONE, TWO, THREE……I’m gonna scoop you up in a nylon net that’s so tightly wound – you won’t ever get free.”
MaximaLuva is stretching and flexing for all he’s worth. Veins in his neck and forehead are bulging out from the strain, as he shouts like the Hulk. His eyes are popping out of their sockets. The crowd, meanwhile, is in complete hysterics. People are breaking down and crying like babies, in laughter.
“I’M GONNA SCOOP YOU UP, THROW YOU OVER MY SHOULDER, TAKE YOU OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT, AND HITCH YOU ONTO THE BACK OF MY HARLEY - DAVIDSON - WIDE - GLIDE, BROTHERRRR!!!”
“And then I’ll reach up, with the biggest arms in the world (he gives them a triceps shot), grab ahold of the ape-hanger handle bars, and FIRE THAT TWELVE HUNDRED C – C ENGINE UP; PULL YOU ONTO THE ON-RAMP AND ROLL RIGHT DOWN HIGHWAY…(inhales loudly)….ONE…..OH…..ONE!!!!!”
“THAT’S RIGHT, BROTHERRR! I’m gonna drag you across the Golden Gate Bridge, down Lombard Street, and hang a left onto the EMBARCADERO!!”
Even though he’s screwing up the order, MaximaLuva is getting huge props from the crowd for his liberal use of local land marks. The place is rolling. He has them eating out of his hand. The figure with the gift wrapped box in the shadows, continues to lurk.
“THEN I’M GOING TO ROLL RIGHT UP ONTO THE FISHERMAN’S WARF BOARD WALK, BROTHERRRR!!!!!!!”
“I’m gonna stop, in front of Ripley’s “Believe It Or Not”, brotherrr.”
“And then I’m gonna put you in my freak show!! PEOPLE ARE GONNA COME FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD!!! PAY MONEY!!!! AND STAND - IN - LINE!!!!!!!
“Just to see you eat flies.”
With every ounce of lung capacity he has, MaximaLuva growls loudly into the microphone as he prepares to deliver the payoff. He flexes:
“WHAT ‘CHA GONNA DO, WHEN THE STRONGEST HORSE IN THE UNIVERSE, AND TEN THOUSAND SCREAMING HULK-A-MAINIACS – RUN……WILD…..ON……YOUUUUUUUUU??????!!!!!!!!!”
MaximaLuva is in the home stretch. Sweating profusely, he gives the hyped up crowd a big double biceps shot. They go nuts. Then he turns around and flashes the classic, Hogan lat – flair. The crowd is DYING. MaximaLuva whirls around and goes into a “crab” pose, neck veins still popping. And then, just like the Hulkster, does it in all four directions – north, south, east and west.
The crowd can’t take it, they’re screaming for mercy, abdomen’s thoroughly tired from laughing.
He extends one arm up, does a bicep flex with the other & gives them an “Atlas” pose. MaximaLuva finishes them off with the big double biceps – front and center. He then takes a deep bow, which is met by fanatical applause from the crowd, and exists the stage. The MC, clapping himself, returns to the mic.
MC: “Whew! Now I just KNOW that there’s someone out there who can top that! C’mon, he’s got the crowd good and warmed up for you.”
A gentleman from the back gets up and heads onto the stage. The MC greets him.
MC: “Heyyy! What’s your name?”
Man: “Robert.”
MC: “Well, lets do away with the formalities. Ladies & Gentlemen…..rrrrrRobert!”
The crowd claps as Robert takes center stage. He starts his opening joke:
Robert: “You know, my girlfriend has no musical talent at all. She can’t even play a radio…..she gets STATIC!”
The crowd is enjoying Robert’s act and the MC has moved back off stage. Suddenly, the previously silent figure in the shadows emerges and taps him on the shoulder. Startled, the MC wheels around. He can’t quite see the man’s face, as he’s still standing in the shadows. The mystery man holds out the gift wrapped box that he’s been holding, and begins to speak:
Man in shadows (handing the box to the MC & pointing to Biomax): “See to it that that guy wins tonight’s competition.”
MC: “What the…? Why? Who are you?! Open mic night isn’t over for another hour, how am I supposed to know who’s going to win?”
Man in shadows (pointing to Biomax & the Mafia member’s table): “I want HIM to win.”
MC (follows the direction of the man’s point & spies Biomax): “Are you NUTS! That was the most un-funny guy I’ve ever seen! Who wants him to win??”
Man in shadows: “Mr. Franklin does.”
With that, the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crisp new one hundred dollar bill and waves it in his face, Benjamin Franklin’s grinning mug looking right at the MC. The MC likes his job, but it ain’t exactly making him rich.
Man in shadows: “We got a deal?”
MC: “Deal.”
Man in shadows: “OK, after you announce the winner, give them this as the prize for winning.” (he shoves the box into the MC’s hands and disappears.)
- -
Fast forward to the end of the set and end of the night. Five or six brave souls have taken the stage after MaximaLuva, each did well – certainly better than Biomax. The MC is back on the stage and is about to announce the winner of the night’s Open Mic contest. He pauses:
MC: “Well folks, we have a winner,…..and…..its….aaah….errr…..BIO MAX!
MaximaLuva, Biomax, and the crowd, can’t believe it. Cat calls start coming up from all around the place. Total strangers start patting MaximaLuva on the back and telling him he was robbed.
MC: “And here’s tonight’s winning prize!”
The MC takes the box which the man in the shadows had given him and places it on the boyz table, right in front of Biomax. Biomax starts tearing away at the gift wrapping, and soon has it all off. In front of him now is a medium sized box with a lid on it. Giddy with anticipation, Biomax lifts the lid off the box. The second that the lid comes clear, the box explodes.
*BOOM* !!
The sound and force of the explosion is deafening. Everyone in the room is startled. Several people dive beneath their tables, not know what was happening. Back at the boyz table, BryanH feels something warm on his face. MaximaMike feels it too. Simultaneously, they smell the foul stench in the air.
BryanH: “Holy..? What is this?”
The four begin looking at one another & realize that they are COVERED with some residue from the explosion. Some sort of smelly brown goop is all over them. Biomax’s glasses are so caked with the mystery substance that he has to take them off. His entire face is covered in brown goo, except two perfect circles around his eyes where his glasses were. FINALLY, he brings down his biggest laughs of the night. People are eyeing the foursome and starting the chuckle.
MaximaLuva: “Ohmagawd! This is MANURE!”
Biomax: “WHAT?!”
MaximaLuva: “Its manure, you know, cow s$#t!”
BryanH: “Are you sure?”
MaximaLuva: “Dude, I used to spend summers at my uncle’s dairy farm in Illinois, I know cow crap when I see it, and THIS is cow crap!”
MaximaLuva is right. The warm brown goop is indeed “fertilizer”. Its in their hair, on their clothes,…everywhere. Now the laughing stock of the room, they are trying desperately to figure out what’s happening.
MaximaMike: “This is SICK. What in the… HEY! There’s something else in the box.”
Biomax: “He’s right. Look.”
BryanH looks into the box and sees that there’s, what appears to be a greeting card envelop. He reaches in and grabs it. It IS an envelop. He starts to tear it open.
MaximaLuva: “Careful!”
BryanH does not heed his warning and proceeds to tear open the envelope. Inside, he finds a 5 x 7 photograph of a handsome, thirty-something man. The man looks Italian, with black hair, dark eyes and eyebrows. He’s wearing a black turtleneck sweater, underneath a black leather jacket.
BryanH eyes the picture & then flips it around: “Hey, there’s something written on the back of it.”
He’s right, there is an inscription, scribbled on the back of the photo. He reads it out loud.
BryanH: “ – “Thanks for coming, good luck in all that you do.” - And its signed – “Ken Wahl” -.
Biomax: “Ken Wahl? Who the hell is Ken Wahl?”
Signed by - theBooker, Master of the dramatic; creator/author/editor-in-cheif of the hit series, "As the BBS Turns". Still waiting on royalty checks from Chad. Often seen driving a 96 Pebble Beige 5-spd SE.
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