Posted By:
Booker - doggone it! (gw.office.prontomail.com)
Date: Friday December 10 [12:04:43 PM]
The Harlem Scavenger Hunt. part 3
** ** **
Adam Lee, Special Agent, Federal Bureau of Investigations – HATES this part of the job. Sitting in a sweaty apartment, on surveillance detail. These white-collar crime investigations are always so damn boring. Sitting around, drinking too much coffee and looking out a window through binoculars at a suitcase, was NOT why he’d joined the force. But he’s a rookie and, well, that’s just the way it is. He and his partner are certain that this is just a wild goose chase anyway. The guys at First Mortgage are clearly aware that the feds are onto them and there’s no way that one of them would walk right into so obvious a trap.
Oh they’ll be caught one day, but not like this. That suitcase is a waste of time.
** ** **
JJW95SC: “Man, this is going to be tough. We haven’t even seen a dog around here. How much time we got left?”
EricL: “About thirty five minutes.”
JJW95SC: “You’re a real knucklehead, you know that? Of all the things to go and volunteer us for, why did you have to pick a dog collar?”
Wizeguy: “You guys just don’t understand. Its like, dogs and I have a special relationship or something. I can’t explain it. I’ve just never met a dog that I didn’t like and that didn’t like me. Its like that movie The Beast Master, you know. We just sort of ‘click’”.
JJW95SC: “Yeh well, you’ve got a half and hour to start clicking dude.”
The three have been roaming the streets of Harlem in search of a dog and have thus far come up empty. They’ve tried alleys, apartment houses, just about everywhere. They are now trekking along in a relatively empty alley, listening intently for any barking sound.
Suddenly, a man comes bolting out from between two of the apartment buildings on their left and dashes right in front of them. This in itself is not all that strange, however, the man is fully clothed and is soaking wet. His shoes are leaving prints as the water is squeezed out with each stride. He dashes past them, hardly noticing that they are there.
EricL: “Hey, wasn’t that Juggernaut?”
JJW95SC: I think so. (shouting after the fleeing figure) “HEY! MARK!! HEY!”
Having successfully survived two encounters with Wes Carter’s shot gun, Juggernaut is hell-bent on making his escape & has NO intention of stopping. He bolts through the alley and into the cross street. Jumps into a taxi and heads back to the rendezvous point.
JJW95SC: “Sure looked like him.”
Wizeguy: “What’s he in such a hurry over?”
EricL: “He came from that way. Lets have a look.”
The three carefully creep around the corner, following the trail of water left by Juggernaut. As they round the corner behind the small apartment building to the left – they are frozen in their tracks by what they see next.
** ** **
Having finished his laundry (and leaving Shing going round and round inside a dryer), the massive Jerome Gordon has return home to his apartment and is preparing for a nice hot shower. Its been an unusual day for sure. First he lost nearly a hundred bucks playing in pick up games at the park. Then he caught a little Asian guy trying to steal one of his jock straps – of all things. And to cap the afternoon off, he’s had to come home and tell his wife that he lost a portion of their rent money at the basketball courts. This has not been a banner day to say the least, and Jerome is NOT in a pleasant mood.
Tosha Gordon, no light weight in her own right, is in an even worse mood. She cannot believe that her six four, bone head husband lost over ninety bucks of their hard owned money. Neither of them is in a mood to be trifled with. That LAST thing that she feels like having to deal with is some strangers ringing her doorbell and asking about some foolishness.
*ding-dong*
This information would have been extremely valuable to Russ and FroMan.
** ** **
JasonF: “Man, we have about as good a chance of finding a Pavarotti album around here as we do of finding a suitcase full of money. What a waste of bloody time.”
ScoLar: “I hear ya, man. We’ve wasted nearly the entire day out here, and why – all to get back that Andi. You know what, I don’t even like the guy that much.”
The two round a corner.
ScoLar: “Hey look. What’s that?”
JasonF: “It looks like an abandoned suitcase.”
** ** **
Fifteen minutes would not have been so bad. But having put two of the three extra quarters that Eben gave to Jerome Gordon into the machine, made things much much worse. Shing is now in for the ride for a full 45 minutes. Set on its highest setting, the inside of the dryer reaches temperatures equivalent to a sauna. Its 120 degrees inside the dryer and Shing has been tumbling in a long series of forward somersaults for the entire time. He’s unable to open the door and none of the patrons in the laundry mat dare help him as long as the massive Gordon is around. They’ve all gone about their business and pretended nothing strange has happened.
Gordon has left the coin-op mat, just as the end of Shing’s time comes up. The dryer slowly grinds to a halt and the thoroughly dazed Shing just barely manages to shove the door open. A rush of cool air enters the sweltering dryer.
Shing is a mess. His soaked hair is all over the place. His shirt is damp with perspiration from the heat, untucked and completely rumpled. He looks like he’s been in a fight with a volcano – which isn’t far from the truth.
He manages to shove himself out of the dryer and lands on the floor with a thud. His head is pounding and the entire room is spinning. Not knowing if SkyMax was able to deliver the goods, he realizes that he’s got to make it back to Booker, and quick. He looks up from the floor towards the front of the building and sees three spinning doors. Shing shakes his head in an effort to clear the cob webs, and looks again. Still three doors. Oh well, got to try.
He crawls on his hands and knees towards the center of the three doors. As he gets closer, he reaches out and pushes. To his delight, the door swings open. Once out on the sidewalk, he decides its time to attempt to stand. Using the building as a brace, Shing pulls himself to his feet. Big mistake. As if drunk beyond belief and dealing with the bed spins, the entire world is spinning. Shing doesn’t know exactly what time it is, but he knows that he must be cutting it close. He’s GOT to get moving. He takes two steps away from the building, and then come careening back into it. He cannot walk a straight line. Determined to move out, Shing pushes himself away from the side of the building and attempts to briskly walk down the sidewalk. His equilibrium is completely out of whack.
He takes off, completely out of control, on a diagonal headed directly toward the street.
** ** **
Having finally reached the check out counter, Tommy and Jake Reid have dropped a twenty dollar bill on the counter and are staring with disdain at “Raheed”, the clerk at the 7-11. How do these people come here and take perfectly good jobs that should be going to God-fearing, tax paying Americans? Raheed’s thick Middle Eastern accent isn’t helping matters either.
Raheed: “That’s one six pack of Budweiser and another of Coors. Your total is nine dollars and seventy nine cents. (picks up the bill) Out of twenty…”
*Meanwhile, out in the parking lot*
BryanH: “C’mon, man – come on. You done yet?”
Nightrider: “Almost. This pocket knife isn’t exactly the best screw driver in the world. Just one more to go.”
Nismos87SE: “Well hurry up. We can’t stand here forever. Someone must own this truck and I’m sure they’d be less than pleased if they catch us ripping them off.”
Nightrider: “I’m trying, I’m trying.”
** ** **
Russ and Froman spotted the big man from a block away. It was Froman’s idea really. “Look at the size of that guy. He’s huge, he’s black, he’s got big feet – he fits all of the stereo types. If HE doesn’t take a magnum sized condom, then nobody does.” Since he’s wearing work out clothes, they figure there’s little chance that the behemoth has a condom on him. So they’ve decided to follow him home. He came out of a laundry mat and he’s on foot, so Russ figures he can’t live too far away. Following at a comfortable half block distance, the two are trying to lay low. Once he’s home and settled in, they’ll knock on the door and take their chances.
** ** **
Right there in front of Wizeguy, EricL and JJW95SC is what appears to be a homeless person’s shopping cart – full of all of this individuals belongings, cans and bottles they’ve collected, a rumpled up blanket and several hub caps. And though the “owner” of this cart is no where to be found, he or she has taken precautions to ensure that the property is safe. Secured to the back of the cart by a steel chain, is a large, white, – pit bull terrier. Fully mature this male of the species is a good 90 pounds. And he’s wearing a leather collar. The dog is just glaring at the trio, and gently growling. Issuing a subtle, yet certain warning.
Wizeguy: “WOW, what luck!”
JJW95SC: “LUCK??! Are you completely nuts? Is that your problem?
Wizeguy: “What do you mean?”
JJW95SC: “Dude, that is a pit bull. A watch dog – get it? Whoever owns that cart uses the dog as a guard dog. It probably eats guys like us whole.”
Wizeguy: “Oh non-sense. A cute little pooch like that?”
EricL: “Cute little pooch?! Are you looking at the same dog that I am? That thing looks like the Tasmanian Devil! Only with more teeth.”
Wizeguy: “You guys just don’t know how to treat a dog. Its all in the approach. Dogs aren’t inherently mean. They instinctively like people, you just have to bring that instinct out. Believe me, this guy’s a push over.”
JJW95SC: “Well, one things for sure, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. This is about our only chance. But I think we need a plan. Our brains to overcome his brawn.”
Since the three have not retreated, the dog is sensing some threat and is now on full alert. He has gotten up onto all fours and, facing the men, is snarling and showing his teeth.
Wizeguy: “No we don’t need a plan. I’ll just make friendly with him and it’ll all be over.”
EricL: “Yeh, that’s what I’m afraid of.”
JJW95SC: “Ok man. If you think that you can pull it off – go for it.”
Wizeguy: “Just stand back and watch the master work.”
Wizeguy gets down onto his hands and knees so that he is eye level with the dog. They are about 30 feet away, and he slowly begins crawling in the dog’s direction.
Wizeguy: “Hey boy! Nice doggie. Niiiice doggie. Hiya, fella.”
The pit bull responds by letting out a torrent of barks and growls. The fully agitated dog is barking at the top of his lungs in large, deafening whelps. Saliva is flinging from his mouth as he barks and growls at the approaching stranger. Wizeguy looks over his shoulder at his two comrades, they have clear looks of concern on their faces:
Wizeguy: “I’ve got him just where I want him.”
** ** **
Well it certainly is a suitcase. Right there, tucked into a crevasse in the building, just out of sight, is a large Sampsonite case. Had they not been paying attention, the two might have tripped right over it. Considering what he just said, JasonF can’t believe it. There’s no one around, and in this neighborhood its clearly finders keepers.
ScoLar: “What the hell? What should we do with it?”
JasonF: “Let’s see whats inside it.”
ScoLar: “Ok”
The two hoist the case up and flip it on its side. The latches are not locked and come free with little effort. ScoLar flips open the lid and there before them is the proverbial suitcase full of money. They are stunned. Stacked into neat piles, and bundled into wads of 10, are stack after stack of one hundred dollar bills.
JasonF: “Ohmagawd!! Look at that cash!”
ScoLar: “Man-o-man! Whew!”
The two quickly snap out of their shell-shocked state and realize where they are. On the street, in the middle of Harlem, holding a case full of cash. This ain’t good.
ScoLar: “Man, we’ve got to get out of here.”
JasonF: “Yeh, I know. The question is, do we get out of here with or without this.”
(brief silence)
ScoLar: “You ever been to Fiji? I hear it’s mighty nice this time of year.”
JasonF: “You mean….”
ScoLar: “I sure do. Beats a sharp stick in the eye. I’m certain no one around here is going to report us to the IRS or anything.”
JasonF: “Good point. But what about The Manly Games?”
ScoLar: “Who cares about that Booker and his stupid Games? You said yourself that you don’t even care for Andi that much. So…”
JasonF: “So?”
ScoLar: “So, screw ‘em!”
JasonF: “Yeh, screw ‘em!” (turns toward the street) “TAXI”
A second later the duo jump into a Yellow Taxi that has pulled up to the curb.
ScoLar: “JFK, please.”
The cabbie hits the meter and begins the journey to the airport.
** ** **
Tosha Gordon swings open the door and comes face to face with two, white, perfect strangers. She gives them a look that instantly says, “You are not welcomed”.
Standing in front of Froman, Russ begins.
Russ: “Ahhh, hello ma’am. My name is Russell.:
(nothing)
Russ: “Ahhh, listen, my friend and I need something that you might have, and, ahhh, well…we’re looking for and – item.”
Tosha Gordon: “Look, we ain’t buying ANYTHING!”
Russ: “Oh, no – no. You’ve got it all wrong. You see, we actually want something from you. We need, a,…ahh, well….a condom.”
Tosha Gordon: “A WHAT!?”
Froman: “Oh, it,..its not what it seems ma’am.”
Too late. Tosha Gordon is livid. The fire in her face is plain to see. She begins shouting at the boys.
Tosha Gordon: “NOW LISTEN! (doing the hand on the hip, sister-thing) You people are getting might bold! You complain about equal rights, you want into our schools, our military! And now you want us to start GIVING you condoms!!! You chose your life style – and you’ve got some nerve, expecting decent people like me, to support it!!
Froman: “No, ma’am…”
Its no use. Tosha has been a ticking time bomb all day, Froman and Russ have just lit the fuse. She chews on them for another 2 or 3 mintues.
Tosha Gordon: “Why don’t you all just move to San Francisco, or Rio, or SOMEPLACE – but stay the hell out of New York. JEROME!!! JEROME COME OUT HERE, NOW!!
A moment later Jerome Gordon appears in the doorway, looking none to happy. When Jerome Gordon stands in the door – he IS the door. The hulking man has removed his shirt as he was preparing to get into the shower. Russ is awestruck at first. The 54 inch chest, 18 inch arms and cheese grater stomach are right in front of him. To make matters worse. Gordon is holding a baseball bat in one hand, and looks damn intent on using it.
Jerome Gordon: “What is it with you homos today?!! First, a couple of you faggots try to steal my underwear – and now you come to my house!? Well I’ve got something for your @$$e$!”
Gordon lifts the bat and starts to make a round-house swing. Standing slightly in front, Russ sees it coming and ducks just in a knick of time. Leaving Gordon with a clear shot at you know who. He barely even saw it coming. From his vantage point, all Froman could see was one of Jerome Gordon’s shoulders and the back of Russell’s head. He sees Russ duck, and for an instant he is able to actually read the label. “Louisville Slugger”. And then, *BAM*, nothing but stars. Gordon connects with the embattled Froman right upside the head. Froman is out cold! For the fourth time since the inception of As The BBS Turns, he’s taken another shot to the noggin.
Froman slumps onto the ground in front of the door. Russ quickly grabs his unconscious friend and drags him away from the house. Gordon shouting at them the entire time.
Jerome Gordon: “AND DON’T COME BACK, YA DAMN QUEERS!”
His wife can be heard yelling from the back ground.
Tosha Gordon: “Let him have one for me, honey!”
Russell is now faced with a decision, get some help for Froman. Or continue the quest for the magnum sized condom alone. Hmmm. What would you do?
** ** **
FBI Special Agent, Adam Lee (speaking into a large walkie talkie): “Ok, gentlemen. The package is on the move. Let’s just hang back and see where the bird nests.”
** ** **
Jake Reid shoves the door to the 7-11 open and steps out, followed by his brother. He turns and sees some guy squatting in front of their truck and two other guys just sort of standing around looking stupid. It appears as if the squatting guy is doing something to the bumper.
Jake Reid: “WHAT IN THE HEY-LLL ER YOU DO’N?!”
** ** **
“So I got fired, big deal”, is what Eric Perry is thinking to himself on the way home. Perry, a medical assistant at the Lower East Side medical clinic was caught in the break room with one of the nurses and, well, it happens. Speeding along 53rd Street, he just wants to get home and crack a nice cold brew. He glances down to change the radio station, and looks back up just in time to see a figure come running out into the street from in between the row of parked cars on his right.
Shing is out of control. He’s running, head first into the street completely unable to stop himself. The world it still spinning and his vision is a blur. All he sees is three sets of head lights as the Mercedes Benz bears down on him.
Perry slams on the brakes with all of his might – but its too late. He collides with the running figure hard. The man bounces off of his front bumper with a thud.
(If you’ve ever seen the mpeg called, “Pizza Boy” – that’s what just happened to Shing. Someone go ahead and post it for those who are clueless).
Shing ends up sprawled across the pavement, still dizzy as hell with a terrible pain in his left leg. Perry jumps out and runs over to him.
Perry: “Just try to relax, I’m a doctor.”
Shing sees three doctors.
Perry: “Do you think you’re hurt anywhere?”
Shing: “My leg.”
Perry: “Which?”
Shing: “Left.”
Perry inspects his leg briefly and delivers the news.
Perry: “Its broken. Off hand, I’d say compound fracture of the fibula. Stay here and don’t try to move. I’m going to go to my car and call for an ambulance.”
This has not been Shing’s day.
** ** **
He barely even saw it coming. From his vantage point, all Froman could see was one of Jerome Gordon’s shoulders and the back of Russell’s head. He sees Russell’s head disappear as he duck’s. For an instant, Froman is actually able to actually read the label: “Louisville Slugger”. And then, *BAM*, nothing but stars. Gordon connects with the embattled Froman right upside the head. Froman is out cold! For the fourth time since the inception of As The BBS Turns, he’s taken another shot to the noggin.
Froman slumps onto the ground in front of the door. Russ quickly grabs his unconscious friend and drags him away from the house. Gordon shouting at them the entire time.
Jerome Gordon: “AND DON’T COME BACK, YA DAMN QUEERS!”
His wife can be heard yelling from the back ground.
Tosha Gordon: “Let him have one for me, honey!”
Russell is now faced with a decision, get some help for Froman. Or continue the quest for the magnum sized condom alone. Hmmm. What would you do?
to be cont’d
Signed by - theBooker, Creator/Author/Editor-in-cheif of the hit series, "As the BBS Turns". Position of Quality Assurance Manager has been filled and a strong candidate for Technical Editor has been identified (pending drug test & non-compete disclosures). Its your world, we're just living in it. This forumn was a lot more fun before we all starting taking it & ourselves so seriously. 96 Pebble Beige 5-spd SE, with modest yet effective modifications, daily. The internet is no place for an OSU, State Penn or Michigan fan. Badgers - bringing home the Roses, AGAIN!
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