Posted By:
Chad (iMax) (chad.mslc.ohio-state.edu)
Date: Friday October 29 [04:37:50 PM]
Guest writen by Chad Cunningham
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Not one to take a beating lightly, Chad shakes off his pain and heads to the nearest payphone. Time for reinforcements. He cautiously heads over to the brutish, overweight, and overrated Dayne and tries to explain what had happened. Dayne, not being the brightest guy in the Big 10, is eventually persueded by Chad's mastery of the english language. In what Dayne believes to be an offer of truce, Chad invites the dim-witted rusher out for a drink. Dayne eagerly accepts, missing the glimmer of pure evil in his new friends eye.
Laster that night, in Columbus, OH at the Varsity Club...
Chad: "I really hope there's no hard feelings about today, it was just a misunderstanding."
Dayne: "Uh...uh...like...ye...yeah, i guess..."
(Dayne guzzles down another pitcher)
Chad: "So how do you like wisconsin?"
Dayne: "wis...wisc....wisconsin?"
Chad: "Yeah, Wisconsin, you know, where you live?"
Dayne: "Oh yeah...i live there"
Chad: "Hmmm...anyone ever tell you you're a few fries short of a happy meal?"
Dayne: "i like happy meals"
Chad: "Great, I'm happy for you"
(Dayne guzzles down a bottle of the bars cheapest Tequilla)
Chad: "So Ron, you're a great ball player and all, what happened during that game against the University of Cinicnatti?"
Dayne: "Me grab ball, run fast"
Chad: "Yeah, but you lost. To UC. A division III team who hasn't beat a ranked team since before the dawn of man"
Dayne: "Me grab ball, run fast"
Chad: "Right, listen Ron, I've got some friends I'd like you to meet"
Dayne: "Ok"
Chad and Ron stroll outside and start the 1/2 mile walk to the Woody Hayes Athletic Center. Dayne, being drunk out of his mind in addition to not being overly bright to begin with, is unable to grasp the impending danger that hangs heavy over the two like a thick fog.
The pair arrive up to the center, which is unlocked. Very odd this late at night.
Chad: "Ron, this is the home of the Ohio State Buckeyes. These very halls were once walked by Woody Hayes, Archie Griffin, and countless other legends."
Dayne: "I have to pee"
Chad: "Later Ron, we've got to meet my friends, they are just over here"
Out of the darkness step three large men. Dayne looks up and recognizes the guy on the left. It's Andi Katzenmoyer, an all american defensive lineman. Andi is large, muscular, and can run the 40 in 4.4 seconds.
Chad: "Of course you know Andi Katzenmoyer, you've had the pleasure of being wrapped up in his arms many times last season. Next to him is none other than Na'il Diggs, current strong safety who you met a few weeks ago. And of course, to his left, is comedian Rip Torn."
Dayne glances at Torn, he's always been a fan of his work and is surprised to see him here.
Torn: "Hey, a job is a job."
The threesome approach Dayne, who suddenly grasps what is about to occur.
Dayne: "You...friend...setup...me...bad..."
Chad: "Yeah einstein, buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."
With that, Katzenmoyer approaches and proceeds to pummel Dayne repeatedly in the stomach. Dayne begins crying like a little school girls and yells for his mommy.
Chad: "Looks like someone can dish it out, but can't take it."
Katzenmoyer is sickened by the Dayne's display, and has to take a break to keep from Vomiting. Diggs steps into his place and proceeds to pummel Dayne like he was a rag doll. After a while, he steps back, and Rip Torn steps in and bitch slaps Dayne across the cheek. At this point, Dayne resembles a quivering lump of jello, and the time is right to let the real vengeance begin.
Chad: "Okay, get the supplies."
Rip Torn returns with a garbage bag, but it's not full of confetti this time. He proceeds to pull out skin tight leather clothing that would only be worn by a street hooker. The group works feverishly to dress the unconscious Dayne, and quickly the transformation is complete. After stuffing a few grams of heroin in his pocket, the trio plant Dayne along high street in the Short North, and call it a night.
The next morning, Chad awakens and checks out the front page of the Dispatch.
"Wisconsin Running Back Ron Dayne Arrested on Charges of Prostitution and Drug Abuse."
With a smile, Chad brews a cup of coffee as he hums the Ohio State Fight Song.
Visit my pathetic maxima page at http://maxima.masslinux.com
I use Zaino, anything else properly applied will work too.
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