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Subject: Event #1 - The Dwarf Toss Posted By: Booker - Staff Consultant Posted At: (10/3/00 1:15:21 pm) Reply |
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Let The Games Begin! Today kicks off the first Maxima.org BBS Manly Games. For those of you without a clue, here’s a brief recap of this story: BRIEF HISTORY: The Manly Games were born out of necessity from the weekly soap opera, “As The BBS Turns”. In prior episodes of A.T.BBS T., three BBS members (Jambo, FroMan and Eben) were severely wounded while attending a party at Andi’s house. The three split off from the group and decided to sue Andi and the BBS. Andi formed the MaximaMafia and thwarted their attempt to hire a fancy New York lawyer to try their case. In retaliation, Jambo & crew (the Jambytes) kidnapped Andi and are holding him hostage. They have proposed a series of games –The Manly Games – to determine who will control the BBS and Andi’s fate. In a related development, Andi’s wife (who is actually responsible for FroMan’s injuries) has hired a private detective to locate her husband. The P.I. did indeed locate Andi, but was taken into captivity himself in the process. THE GAMES: The Manly Games will be a series of games, best out of five, winner take all. Today’s installment is event #1 of 5 possible. BBS members who make up the two warring factions will participate to varying degrees. There is likely to be cheating, biting, eye gouging, etc.. In fact, it is encouraged. TODAYS EVENT: The first event of the 1999 Manly Games is taking place in the parking lot at Stillen Motorsports in glorious Costa Mesa, California. Adam from Stillen Customer Service has agreed to be our special guest referee, and will be MC’ing the event. LET’S GET IT ON! ** ** Event #1: The Dwarf Toss A good-sized crowd has gathered in the parking lot outside of the Stillen Motorsports shop in Costa Mesa, California. The entire crew of the Jambytes and all of the MaximaMafia, minus one – Andi, are on hand as are a hundred or so on lookers. It’s another bright & sunny day in southern Cali, and we are here to GET IT ON. There’s an uneasy tension in the air, as everyone present knows what’s at stake in these “Manly Games”, not the least of which is the future of one Andi Baritchi. The far corner of the parking lot, facing the building, has been converted for today’s games. The side of the building is covered with red padding which Stillen uses for conversion packages on Chevy Suburbans and Tahoes. In addition, a 20 by 20-foot cube has been marked off on the ground and is likewise covered with the thick padding. A cloth mesh canopy covers the area and is draped down the sides as well, creating a large red “booth” against the side of the building. There are also dozen or so giant foam cushions thrown about inside the booth. All of this is of course designed to soften the landing of the two midgets who have agreed to be the human shot puts in today’s event. Speaking of the midgets, both are present. One, Larry, is calmly sitting in the corner looking over the morning L.A. Times and puffing on a Marlboro. Larry is all of 37 inches tall and weighs in at around 66 pounds. He’s wearing red and yellow tights, a padded vest, black leather gloves and a helmet. The other dwarf, Moe, is similarly clad and is engaged in a discussion with Adam. Moe is a friend of Adam’s and readily agreed to participate when Adam asked just yesterday. Standing 361/2 inches, he appears to be identical in size to Larry. Adam and Moe are joined briefly by Shing, who is acting captain of the Mafia in Andi’s absence. (Shing had originally volunteered his 9 year old sister to be one of the dwarfs, but the idea was shot down by his mom.) Adam, Moe & Shing are sharing a big yuck about something. That Shing is being so buddy-buddy with the referee has already caught most of the Jambyte’s eyes. Adam begins to call both sides together, establish some order, and go over the rules. Adam: “Ok, ok. Can everybody come over here please?” The Jambytes are already on the scene, standing on Adam’s right and looking VERY intense. The members of the MaximaMafia, each wearing all black – black jeans, a black t-shirt with the letters MM on the chest, and dark Wayfarer sunglasses – assemble to Adam’s left. An intense stare down has begun as if right before a gang style rumble. The spectators are riveted, the parking lot has fallen into pin-drop silence. Adam: “Ok. Everybody just keeeeep cool. We all know why we’re here today, to kick off the Manly Games with the first event – a dwarf toss. Here’s the way this’ll work. Each side gets to choose three guys. Each guy gets two tosses. Got it – TWO.” Members on both sides nod their approval. Adam: “Now, the winning side will be the one with the farthest single toss. Not an average of all the tosses – the farthest SINGLE toss. Got it? The big foam tent looking thing up against the building will be where this takes place. I have the official measuring tape (holds up the tape). I will make the measurements and announce the distance of the toss following each attempt. Ok? Now, who are our captains?” Shing: “I am.” Juggernaut: “That’s me.” Adam: “Alright then, we’ll toss one team at a time. The order will be determined by a coin flip.” (Adam reaches into his pocket and pulls out a penny) “Oh damn!” (He digs back in – deep – only to produce another penny) “Rats!” Jason F: “Oh here – you cheap S.O.B” (Jason F crams a quarter into his hand) Adam: “Thanks. Ok, Shing – you call it in the air.” The always tense Jeff92SE is ready to rumble: “Say, why does HE get to call it?! This sucks!” MaximaLuva: “Just shut yer pie hole and don’t worry about it, monkey-boy!” Jeff92SE: “Why don’t you come over here and shut it for me, $#&%-for-brains!” Adam: “HEY!! HEY!! Save it for later – its just a coin toss! Shing, call it”. (flips the coin into the air) Shing: “Tails. No…wait…heads. No…tails…TAILS.” Adam: “Tails it is. The MaximaMafia will go first.” Jeff92SE: “MAN, HE CHEATED – AS USUAL! THE RAT BASTARD!” MaximaLuva: “I thought I told you to SHUT UP!” The two dive at each other and go at it. Several other members jump into the fray. A mini-brawl breaks out. Fifteen minutes later, Adam has regained control. Adam: “If you guys can’t control yourselves, I’m calling this whole thing off!” Group: “Sorry, sorry…lets get on with it…sorry.” Shing: “Sorry Adam, its just that these guys are so full of crap. Juggernaut: “Whatdaya mean?” Shing: “I mean, how are we supposed to know that you even HAVE Andi? Huh? This is all just a waste of time to appease Jambo’s massive ego! Where’s the proof?!” Juggernaut: “We don’t need to show you no stinking proof.” Shing: “Just as I thought.” Juggernaut: “So what are you saying?” Shing: “I’m saying, how about a little side bet on today’s event? We got four more to go ya know.” Juggernaut: “Name it.” Shing: “We win today’s event and you produce some PROOF that you’ve got Andi. So we don’t spend the next five weeks wasting everybody’s money driving all over the place to these stupid events – when you don’t even really have him.” Juggernaut: “And if we win.” Shing: “You aren’t.” Juggernaut: “Are too.” Shing: “Are not.” Juggernaut: “Are too.” Shing: “Are not.” Juggernaut: “Are t…” Jambo: “SHUT UP!” Juggernaut: “If we win, we want all of your guys who have y-pipes to GIVE THEM to all of our guys who don’t!” Shing: “Done.” Adam: “Ok then. Now who’s going to throw? Shing: “For us, Bryan H will go first, then ST, then SchoLar”. Juggernaut: “We’ll go Bill99GXE first, then Eldridge, then Russell.” Adam: “OK. Let’s get started. (Adam is motioning across the parking lot to Larry who’s still engulfed in the paper. Moe has disappeared in the building.) Hey Larry, yer up.” Larry tosses the paper aside, tightens his chin strap and walks up to a white line that has been drawn on the ground at the front of the padded area, turns and faces the building. Bryan H steps up for the MaximaMafia. He grabs the tiny man and lifts him off the ground. Bryan then gives him an overhead heave and the midget goes sailing through that air, landing with a thud on the foam padding. Adam immediately takes off towards him with the tape measure. Adam: “Don’t move, don’t move.” Adam marks the spot, stretches the tape and begins examining it. Adam: “Wow! Twenty three feet and seven inches.” Shing: “Ok, have a seat Bryan. We’re done.” Juggernaut: “Huh?” Shing: “We forfeit the rest of our throws – we’ll rest on that one.” Juggernaut: “Really? That’s it? What about your other two guys?” Shing: “Won’t need ‘em.” A sense of confidence comes over the Jambytes. Juggernaut turns and whispers to Jambo: “What a bunch of nimrods. This is going to be easier than we thought.” Adam: “Ok, its your decision. Thanks Larry. Jambytes, get ready.” Adam shouts above the crowd noise to his friend Moe: “Hey Moe…c’mon, its your turn.” With that, Moe comes out from inside the Stillen building in his “flight” garb. He’s wearing a helmet, tights & a padded vest like jacket that puffs out from his torso so that he looks like a barrel. Moe approaches the white line and assumes the position. Adam: “Lets go.” Bill99GXE steps up and grabs the dwarf. He does a single spin – discus style – and lets the little man fly. Adam runs out with the tape measure. Adam: “Fifteen feet, four inches.” The MaximaMafia breaks out in riotous laughter: “HA! Nice throw He-man!” Bill99GXE can’t understand it. The rest of the Jambytes are giving him the evil eye. He picks up the dwarf for his second and final toss, determined to best Bryan H. With a loud grunt, he lets the man fly. Adam records. Adam: “Sixteen, seven.” The MaximaMafia is now falling out all over the place. Shing is rolling around on the ground laughing. Even Adam has a slight grin on his face. Eldridge steps up to the line. MaximaMafia: “Hope you can do better than your wife just did! HAAAAA!” (they’re completely losing it now) Juggernaut: “Can you ask them to pipe down, how’s the man supposed to concentrate.” Adam instructs the MaximaMafia to calm it down, they comply. With a mighty heave, Eldridge lets fly. Adam: “Fourteen feet, eleven and a half inches.” Pandemonium in the MaximaMafia camp: “Ooooo! You must’ve trained with Arnold for that throw! HAAAA!” Second attempt. Adam: “Seventeen, two.” Finally the mighty Russell steps up with the Jambytes behind him, pushing him on. Russell grabs the little man by the rump and back of the collar and lets fly. Adam: “Nineteen, three.” The Jambytes are down to their last toss: “C’mon Russ! Pull it out man! You can do it.” The Mafia is just laughing hysterically. Russell: “HMMPHHH!!!!!” Adam: “Nineteen feet and one inch.” “With a best throw of twenty three feet and seven inches - The MaximaMafia is the winner!” High fives all around in the MaximaMafia camp. Shing walks over and confronts FroMan: “OK chump. Where’s our proof?” FroMan: “You’ll get your %^#$@! proof.” Shing: “One week, you’ve got one week to produce the goods.” (spins and walks away) While the MaximaMafia is celebrating and beginning to pile into their cars, one of the Jambytes notices something very peculiar. JJW95SE/SC (to Jambo): “Take a look at that.” Jambo looks at the celebratory camp & notices that Adam from Stillen has joined in the party. Not only that, but so has Moe. Jambo: “Now that seems strange. Let’s check this out.” The two begin stalking towards the thinning group as several Maxima’s from the MaximaMafia begin to peel out away from the curb. Left standing there are Shing, Adam, Moe, and Biomax. Moe and Adam have their backs to the approaching duo. Shing and Biomax spot them and make a B-line for Shing’s well traveled Maxima. They dive in just as Jambo & JJW95SE/SC reach Adam & Moe. Jambo: “Say – why are you so damn happy they won?!” JJW95SE/SC: “Yeh, and you?” The startled Moe turns around too quickly, loses his balance and topples over onto the asphalt. He’s now laying on his side kicking his legs in an attempt to get back to his feet and is failing desperately. He looks like a carp flopping around on a pier. Jambo (suspiciously): “Trouble getting up? Here, let me lend you a hand.” (starts to help Moe) Adam (now visibly sweating): “No. No. That’s ok. Ahhh…he’ll be fine.” Moe still has not gotten to his feet YET, Jambo & JJW95SE/SC are starting to smell a rat. The midget is still struggling mightily. And is STILL on the ground. JJW95SE/SC: “Looks to me like you don’t WANT us to help him.” With that JJW95SE/SC grabs the midget by his jacket and yanks him to his feet. The partially unzipped jacket tears away from his body, revealing a huge money belt that is velcro’d around his chest. Jambo spies it and grabs for it. Adam takes off running for the building, with JJW95Se/SC in hot pursuit. Jambo begins inspecting the belt. Inside the large pockets where money is supposed to go are several five pound Universal weight plates. Each of the money belts’ five pockets have two plates in them. Jambo snarls at the midget and Moe takes off down the street. JJW95SE/SC has cased Adam back into the Stillen showroom. Adam has made it inside and managed to lock the door behind him. He’s now behind the glass double doors making faces and flipping the two men off. Adam reaches beneath the bill of his cap, pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and begins waving them tauntingly at JJW95SE/SC and Jambo. Obviously buy money that the MaximaMafia had paid him. THE MANLY GAMES, end of round one. SCORE: MaximaMafia – 1 Jambytes - 0 ** ** Closing Comments OK crew. After posting this I am immediately taking off & will be off the BBS for the rest of the day. We have a corporate function all day over in Berkeley, which will take me an hour to get there. (Bay Area guys, I’m going to take Redwood Highway in Castro Valley to Grizzly Peak in the Oakland Hills – if you’ve never done this, it is sports car/bike HEAVEN. As good as Hwy9. And at this time of morning, bound to be completely deserted.) Hope you enjoyed & I’ll type to you later. p.s. – Don’t forget that the Jambytes now owe the Mafia some form of proof that they have Andi – this might end up being a very important detail in the future of this story. ** ** Next event : The Tricycle Race
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