Posted By:
Booker (ReMax'd) (216.32.176.199)
Date: Friday October 29 [12:20:48 PM]
It’s high noon and the distant sounds of it’s single engine can be heard laboring the climb to 5000 feet. Only four years old, the Cessna 184 is in flawless mechanical condition. However, it is currently just fourteen pounds below its maximum payload capacity and is struggling with the climb. The small aircraft is so near its maximum capacity because of the ten men, including pilot and instructor, crammed into its cramped cabin space.
This week we’re in the rolling blue grass meadows of Kentucky, just outside of Louisville, for the fourth event of The Manly Games. Various members of the two warring factions on the Maxima BBS (the Jambytes and the MaximaMafia) are on hand to spectate, root on their brethren, and perhaps most importantly – keep the event clean. Yes, it seems that the victors in the first three events were not those with the most skill, intelligence, or athletic ability, but those willing to bend the rules the farthest if not outright cheat.
The MaximaMafia swept the first two events by buying off the referee and taping 20 pounds of weight to a midget. They also got to official in the second event to look the other way and hand Woodear a victory for NOT riding his tricycle. The third event was dominated by JJW95SC and Bill99GXE when they demonstrated superior alcohol consumption capacities, later revealed to never have touched a drop. Today’s event is clearly the most dangerous of the series and all parties involved, participating or observing, are visibly nervous.
As the Cessna passes through 3500 feet, en route to “jump height”, Ron Dayne is explaining the event and rules to those on the ground.
(Yes, that’s right, Ron Dayne is MC’ing and officiating today’s event. The corruption by governing bodies of past events lead the leaders of the two groups to seek yet another neutral, non-BBS party to oversee Event 4. Several of the members of the BBS scoured their respective schools, Ohio State, UC-Davis, State Penn, UCLA, Baylor – but no one with enough smarts to even know where Kentucky IS could be found there. So, they turned to the only scholastic athletic program in the country with the goods. The Wisconsin Badgers baby! theBooker used his alumni association, pulled some favors on campus, and managed to score the big man! The perennial All-American, Heisman Trophy candidate, and offensive star of the defending Rose Bowl Champions, made the trek down this morning. One thing is for sure. With a Badger running the show, there’ll be no monkey business.)
Dayne is standing in the middle of a giant white bullseye that’s been painted on the ground. The bullseye has an outer circle that’s about 20 feet in circumference, then another 15 footer inside of that, and another circle that’s a mere 5 feet in diameter inside of that one. Dayne is standing in the smallest center circle, pointing at one of two tall poles, erected just outside of the bullseye. Each pole is 30 feet high and they are opposite one another on either side of the bullseye rings. Attached to the tops of the poles, on long strings, are 17 colorful, helium filled balloons. The balloons are swaying in the gentle breeze. There are exactly 10 blue balloons, five red and two white ones on each pole.
Dayne: “Ok, I’ve already explained this to the guys in the plane. Now for your benefit, here’s how this works. Its very simple. See that pole there? The one painted red? That one is for you guys (pointing to the Jambytes). (Swings around and points to the opposite pole). And that one one is yours (to the MaximaMafia). Ok? Now, the object for your jumpers is to grab a single balloon & land as close to the spot I’m standing on as possible.
Chad: “Why are the balloons all different colors?”
Dayne: “I’m getting there.”
JJW95SC: “Yeh, just shut up and let the man talk!”
Chad: “Why don’t you…”
Dayne: “Both of you SHUT UP!”
JJW95SC: “But he’s from OSU!”
Dayne spins around and glares at Chad: “He WHAT?”
Bill99GXE: “That’s right, he’s a Buckeye.”
Chad (realizing this could bode poorly for his teams chances): “Ahh…yeh, but I only really like their basketball team.”
Dayne: “That’s more like it then. (continuing) To answer your question – the blue balloons are worth two points each. The red ones are worth five. And if someone can snag a white one, that’s worth ten points.
Chad: “What about the bullseye?”
Dayne: “WILL YOU SHUT UP!!?”
Wizeguy has slipped in behind the 250 lb. Dayne and is making faces at Chad from behind the Heisman candidate’s back. Wizeguy sticks his tongue out at Chad and gives him the finger. Chad’s is losing his composure. Dayne, staring at Chad, can see him coming unglued, but unaware that Wizeguy is behind him, assumes that Chad is getting agitated with HIM. Wizeguy places his hands together as if he were holding a stick, & then breaks the stick in two. He then points at Chad as if to say, “This will be you.”
Chad: “You want a piece of me, toilet head?! I’ve got some more for you, you know.”
6’1, 250 lb. Ron Dayne can’t believe this OSU punk is actually taunting him.
Dayne thinks to himself: “He’s probably just trying to get me to do something and get me suspended for a game or two.”
From behind Dayne’s back, Wizeguy gives Chad a slow, deliberate throat cut symbol and then points directly at Chad. Chad can’t take it anymore:
Chad: “C’mon you piece of trash!! RIGHT NOW!”
Dayne has had it! He takes off after Chad. It’s not until the monster starts to bum rush him that Chad realizes what has happened, that Dayne did not know Wizeguy was right behind him & thought that he (Chad) was talking to him (Dayne). Chad’s got guts, but he’s not an idiot. He turns around and takes off. His flight is brief however, as the well conditioned Dayne (who runs a 4.5 forty) reels him in 20 feet later. Dayne grabs the sprinting Chad by the back of his shirt and Chad starts doing some FAST talking.
Chad: “Its….its that Wizeguy!”
Dayne: “Who’re you calling wise guy?!”
Chad: “No, no…you don’t understand!”
Dayne: “Understand this…”
With that, Ron Dayne military presses Chad high over head and then body slams him with all his might into the ground. Chad lands with a bone jarring thud. Dayne then, for good measure, stomps him a few times in the abdomen. Dayne turns around and heads back to the group, leaving Chad writhing on the ground in pain. Wizeguy and the Jambytes are rolling in laughter.
Wizeguy: “HA! One down, four to go! I told you guys that I’d get even with you. HA!”
The calm restored, Ron Dayne returns to his spot and continues the explanation.
Dayne: “Now, to answer that idiots question – the jumpers can pick up additional points by landing on this bullseye that’s painted on the ground. If they hit the outside circle, that’s worth five, the next one is ten, and if they hit the bullseye in the center you get twenty points. Team with the most points wins.”
With that, Dayne yanks out a walkie talkie and barks into it:
Dayne: “How’re you doing Rob?”
Rob is the jump instructor who’s seated shot gun in the Cessna.
Rob: “Good, we’re at about 4600 now and entering the jump zone. We should be ready to jump in a couple of minutes”.
Joining Rob in the plane are, the pilot of course, and eight nervous looking passengers. The MaximaMafia has sent Justin Mc, BryanH, Nismo’s 87SE and to celebrate his return to the BBS, Shing. Representing the Jambytes are Gr8Bone, MattP, Tanman and Froman.
As the aircraft passes through 4800 feet, Rob climbs into the back and tells the guys to get ready.
Rob (addressing the group and shouting to be heard above the engine noise): “OK, I’ll be opening the door in about three minutes, have you decided who’ll go first?”
The group nods yes.
Rob: “Good. We’ll jump guys two at a time, in one minute intervals. Who’s up first?
Nismo’s87SE & MattP raise their hands.
Rob: “Alright then, c’mon.”
He motions toward the door. MattP & Nismo’s87SE get up and struggle their way over to the door. Rob checks over his shoulder and looks at the pilot. The pilot gives the thumbs up sign, indicating that they are over the jump zone and have reached the proper altitude. The pilot banks left to enter a circle pattern, maintaining the aircrafts position in the jump zone. This right bank also serves the dual purpose of lowering the jump side of the plane.
Rob (still shouting): “Ok, we’re over the jump zone. Let’s go!”
With that, Rob slides the door open, places his hand on MattP’s back and shouts “GO!”. MattP bails out and begins plummeting toward earth. A second later he repeats the process with Nismo’s87SE. The first two out, Rob looks at his watch and motions “come here” to Gr8Bone & Justin Mc. They make their way over. Rob informs them: “Forty eight seconds.”
A scant seven minutes later, all eight men are in the air. Each successfully executed the instructions given them in the pre-flight class. They free-fall for 30 seconds, and then deploy their primary shoots.
The first duo is approaching the landing zone, with Nismo’s87SE coming down first. As he reaches the MaximaMafia’s pole, he takes a conservative approach and grabs one of the blue balloons successfully. Concentrating on the landing, he touches down just inside of the middle ring for a ten point landing. Off to a good start, the Mafia are applauding and high fiving their newest member for a job well done.
MattP is now a few feet from the other pole and decides its make or break time, he reaches through the blue and red balloons and stabs for a white one. But he misjudges the distance and comes up with air.
MattP: “Damn!”
He recovers from the near miss and concentrates on his landing. Afraid of coming away with nothing, the Jambytes are holding their breath. Then…..WHAM!….he nails it!! MattP lands smack in the center of the bullseye, right were Ron Dayne was standing a few moments ago. A twenty point touch down. The Jambytes go nuts.
Dayne: “OK, with two guys down, the score is Jambytes 20, MaximaMafia 12.”
The next two are a few minutes off, allowing for some brief banter.
MaximaMike(speaking to Biomax): “Man, that was close. He almost grabbed that white balloon.”
Biomax: “Don’t worry about it, they can’t win.”
MaximaMike: “What do you mean?”
Biomax: “We’ve got it all worked out. Just watch.”
JerryT (to JJW95SC): “These guys don’t know what the heck they’re doing,…as usual.”
JJW95SC: “I’d have to agree, but it’s a good thing we’ve got Plan B – just in case.”
The two share a brief laugh.
Gr8Bone is now on his approach, he lines up on the Jambytes pole, eyes on one of the elusive white balloons. Five feet, four, three…. He reaches for the white balloon and misses. DOH! But he has awesome hand/eye coordination from years of trombone practice, and manages to snag a string on the way out. The string is attached to a red balloon. WooHoo! Gr8Bone looks at the Jambytes on the ground 30 feet below and begins a premature celebration:
Gr8Bone (waving his balloon around in the air): “I’M THE MAN, I’M THE MAN!!”
The rest of the Jambytes start shouting and pointing at the bullseye furiously.
EricL: “Watch where you’re going, you dope! Watch where you’re going!!”
Gr8Bone looks down nearly too late. He’s already drifted over the outer edge of the bullseye, through the center and is quickly leaving the circle. He yanks his drop cords with all of his might and, like a wide receiver trying to keep one foot in bounds, manages to drag the toe of his boot across the far edge of the outer circle.
Dayne: “Five point landing.”
Back in the air, Justin Mc is closing in on the Mafia’s pole.
Keven: “This guy’ll screw it up. He’s about as coordinated as a marble.”
JerryT: “HA! That’s a good one.”
Justin Mc closes in on the balloon pole,…he reaches in…and comes out with a WHITE one! The MaximaMafia go nuts! In the middle of their jubilation, Keven turns to JimW:
Keven: “Let him have it!”
JimW reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a sling shot. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a hand full of carpet tacks and places them into the sling. JimW aims at the balloon just above Justin Mc’s head and fires. A fraction of a second later, the balloon explodes with a *pop*.
EricL: “HA! Nice shot.”
The Jambytes are ecstatic with laughter! The overhead explosion completely startled Justin Mc. He’s looking up at his parachute, afraid that the worst may have happened. He examines the canopy for a good three seconds, before realizing that he no longer has a balloon, and, that there’s nothing wrong with his parachute. His understandable lack of concentration on the landing has cost him dearly. He lands on the outer lip of the outer circle and brings home five points. The MaxmiaMafia is furious, having seen a perfect ten point opportunity slip right through their hands.
Woodear: “Why you no-good, lie’n, cheat’n, filthy rats!”
The Jambytes just laugh.
Woodear: “And Eben, don’t think that we’ve forgotten about ST!”
Eben: “S…..who? SG???”
Woodear: “Don’t you start that again you piece of #$%*!”
Dayne: “OK, that’s two jumpers down and its MaximaMafia – 17, Jambytes 30!”
Kevin (to Woodear): “Dude, this doesn’t look good.”
Woodear: “Don’t sweat it, they can’t win. Everything’s under control.”
Woodear nods in the direction of the parking lot, some 200 feet away. Ever so slowly, so as not to attract any attention, a burgundy red Saturn 4-door sedan with two shadowy figures inside, has crept into the lot.
Meanwhile the next pair, Froman and BryanH are approaching the balloon poles. BryanH is in front, he reaches into the crowd of balloons and goes for the remaining white one. He snares it! But JimW and his slingshot are at the ready. He lets a handful of tacks fly. They miss the mark, wide left. JimW reaches into his pocket and is getting ready to reload, when MaximaMike, Kevin, and Biomax look over simultaneously and realize what’s going on. They bum rush JimW and tackle him before he can squeeze off another shot. A rumble ensues with JimW taking the brunt of the punishment. EricL, Russell, Wizeguy and several other Jambytes jump into the fray. Only the cool headed (and 300 lb.) JerryT abstains. Ron Dayne and JerryT break the warring parties apart. JimW is sporting a fat lip for his efforts, and Biomax a shining black eye.
EricL: “Maybe you can get former President Bush to put a cold compress on that eye for you! HA!!”
Unknown to Biomax, it was Eric that put in the cheap shot, resulting in his shiner.
The rumble actually served the MaximaMafia well, being completely distracted, the Jambytes have all but forgotten about BryanH’s landing. Unmolested, BryanH concentrates, judges the wind well, and lands directly on the middle ring. A perfect ten point landing. Combined with the white balloon, BryanH alone has just accounted for twenty points and has single handedly put the MaximaMafia back into competition.
Meanwhile, the red Saturn sits.
Thirty seconds later. Determined not to be out done, Froman is now closing in on the Jambytes pole. As soon as he gets near enough, Froman grabs for the white balloon,….and gets it! He turns his attention to the landing. Having recovered from the fight, the MaximaMafia has regrouped and are standing in a single file line. In unison, all of the members unzip their jackets, reach in and pull out air horns. Froman, deep in concentration, does not take notice. All at once, the MaxMafia members point their horns at Froman and press the button on top of the horns. Each air horn lets out a deafening wail. The Jambytes on the ground and Ron Dayne all respond by covering their ears. The combined horns reach decibel levels equal to that of a jumbo jet on take off – its that loud.
Just ten feet off of the ground and closing in on the bullseye, Froman is snapped out of his trance like state of thought. Thoroughly startled, he’s looking around trying to figure out where the TRAIN is! Thinking to himself, “DAMN, that must be close!”. No longer looking where he’s going, Froman has drifted right over the landing target and is headed directly at the Mafia’s balloon pole on the other side of the circle. He looks back a fraction of a second before impact.
!!!!!!*WHAM*!!!!!!
Froman smacks directly into the pole, head first. The pole, which is buried ten feet into the ground, does not budge. The force of the impact causes Froman to release the balloon BEFORE his feet hit the ground. The white balloon drifts helplessly skyward, as the Jambytes watch it float away. Froman lands at the foot of the pole with a thud. Out cold. A welt above his left eye has already started to develop. Like the Steve Young of the BBS, he’s suffered his third concussion in two months. Eben breaks out some smelling salts and revives the unconscious Froman. He slowly comes to, no idea where he is or what he’s doing there. To make matters worse, he lost the balloon and completely missed the landing area. Zero points.
Dayne: “Two more guys to go. The MaximaMafia have 37 points, the Jambytes 30. Its down to the final two jumpers. This is going to be close!”
Woodear (to Keven): “Time to break out the secret weapon.”
Keven nods to the Saturn in the parking lot. A very careful observer could see the passenger window slowly go down.
Tanman is the first to approach.
Chebosto: “Why the hell does this knucklehead call himself “Tanman”? He’s from Chicago and it’s the middle of October?!”
Kevin: “Because he’s about as bright as the rest of those guys.”
Tanman is now about fifteen feet from the pole. Seated in the passenger seat of the Saturn, Remington leans out the window and points some sort of remote control device at the landing area. EricL looks up just in time to see this happening. He taps Russell on the shoulder.
EricL (pointing to the parking lot): “Take a look at that.”
Just as Russell turns to look, Remington presses a button on the remote control. A BANG followed by a puff of smoke comes from the base of the Jambytes pole, just as Tanman is reaching for a red balloon. Then, like a giant redwood tree being felled, the entire pole leans, leans, leans…and then falls to the ground! Someone has rigged the pole with a quarter of a stick of dynamite. The Tanman comes up empty. The MaximaMafia fall out!
Woodear: (shouting into the air at the floating Tanman ): “Hey, you forgot something!”
JerryT: “Why you…”
EricL: “That’s that good-for-nothing Remington!!”
Wizeguy(straining to see): “YOU’RE RIGHT! I’d recognize his ugly mug anywhere!”
Russell takes off for the parking lot, followed closely by Bill99GXE. They’re determined to get to this Saturn and figure out once and for all who’s sabotaging their team. As they approach, the driver of the Saturn slams is into reverse and pins the loud peddle, at redline in reverse, he does a wicked 180 high-side and screeches off the other direction. The two men can only watch the white rubber smoke as the General Motors vehicle speeds off. They walk back to the crowd.
EricL: “Man, who ever that was driving that thing has got MAD skillz.”
JerryT: “Did you see who it was?”
Bill99GXE: “Nope.”
Russell: “No, but did you catch that bumper sticker?”
Bill99GXE: “No, I missed that. What did it say.”
Russell: “Go Bruins.”
EricL: “Hmmmm.”
Meanwhile, Tanman is closing in on the landing. Directly over the bullseye, and…..he sticks it! A perfect twenty pointer, right in the middle of the bullseye! Without a balloon, Tanman has managed to bring home twenty points.
Shing’s the final jumper.
Dayne: “Ok, here we go. I have Jambytes – 50, Mafia 37.”
Shing snares a red balloon.
Dayne: “50 to 40! A perfect landing will win it!”
Shing is drifting towards the bullseye. He’s eight feet off the ground and closing in on the twenty point circle. JerryT can’t take it. He rushes the circle. The rest of the Jambytes follow after him, and the Mafia bolts out to meet them. At 6’5 with an additional three & a half feet of arm length, JerryT is the only one capable of reaching Shing. As Shing floats down into reach, JerryT reaches up and grabs Shing’s feet. JerryT blocks his decent and hauls Shing out of the bullseye circle. He guides him down onto the outer ring, where his feet touch down.
Dayne: “Five points!”
Woodear: “What the $%*! No way! That’s CLEARLY cheating. He interfered with his landing! Everyone saw it!”
The rest of the Mafia join in: “Yeh! C’mon…..” (they grumble loudly in unison)
Ron Dayne has to make a decision. Scratching his head, he turns to look at Shing. Then out of the corner of his eye, he sees Chad, who’s still shaken up from the body slam 20 minutes ago.
Dayne (pointing at Chad): “Who’s side is he on? The tall guys, or that last parachuter?”
Biomax: “Are you kidding me? He’s MaximaMafia all the way, baby!”
Dayne: “OH, then THAT settles it – the landing stands! That was a five point landing!! the final is Jambytes – 50, MaximaMafia – 45. These guys win! (pointing to JerryT and the crew).
The Jambytes are jubilant, all except Froman who’s already in the ambulance which the parachuting company always has on hand. In the ambulance, one of the attendants gives Froman the good news:
Nurse: “HEY! You guys won!”
Froman: “Won what?”
Nurse: “The competition.”
Froman: “What competition?”
Nurse: “You know,…parachuting!”
Froman: “Are you my mother?”
Signed by - theBooker, Master of the dramatic; creator/author/editor-in-cheif of the hit series, "As the BBS Turns". Still waiting on royalty checks from Chad. Often seen driving a 96 Pebble Beige 5-spd SE.
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