Author: Booker
Title: memberPosted: 6/22/00 11:43 AM
IP: 216.163.191.2
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Subject: The Vacation
At high noon the hot Florida sun was blazing overhead. Its mid-June and the temperature outside is pushing 95 degrees. Inside the big Chevy Suburban however, the air conditioning is cranking and keeping things a nice cool 72. GoldenGXE is behind the wheel, Delio is on shot gun with TimW seated in the back. The three men are destined for that vacation mecca, Orlando. Its been a tense few days around BBS, for TimW in particular. The seemingly endless threads of BMW comparisons have the entire board on edge, and it seems as if – ever since Tuesday’s pseudo flame war – that TimW has Woodear on the brain.
So GoldenGXE decided that it might be a good time for a get away, thus, he called up the swank Orlando Hilton & Towers and reserved three rooms, rounded up his boyz, loaded up the Suburban and off they went. Destined for four days of nothing but sunshine and R&R. No BBS, no Woodear, not even a laptop or internet connection is with them.
It’s a long drive from New York to central Florida. The crew has been rolling straight through the night and now are within six hours of their destination. GoldenGXE is taking his turn in the captains chair. He has the big boy pinned at 90 MPH. To his right, Delio is gazing into the clear blue sky and blowing spit bubbles. TimW is spacing out in the rear, counting mile marker signs out the passenger side window.
A Honda Gold Wing Aspencade rolls up next to the big Chevy. The motorcycle is pacing the hulking vehicle just a few feet away from the dreary TimW. Suddenly, TimW sits up in his seat and does a double take. Peering intently out the window, he begins screaming and pointing.
TimW: “WHY, THAT’S HIM!! I don’t believe it! Its that good for nothing, Woodear!”
Delio (startled out of his stupor): “Huh? What?? What the hell are you yelling about?”
TimW (still screaming and pointing at the motorcycle): “RIGHT THERE! On that big motorcycle, its that rat-bastard, Woodear! He’s RIGHT THERE!!!”
The rider of the motorcycle glances over and sees the hysterical TimW pointing and screaming at him, he decides it’s wisest to get the heck out of there. Before Delio or GoldenGXE can turn to get a good look, he drops the Gold Wing into third and twists the throttle. The big Honda yanks ahead of the truck and within seconds has opened up a 300 meter distance, they are now staring at the back of the driver’s head.…quarter mile….half mile…30 seconds later the bike is but a dot on the horizon.
GoldenGXE: “I couldn’t a good look, are you sure?”
TimW: “Of course I’m sure, I’d recognize his wise @$$ ugly mug ANYWHERE. If I say that I saw Woodear, then I saw Woodear, damn it!”
Delio: “Just calm down, man. All that we’re saying is that you have this Woodear obsession thing lately, and its not healthy. Look at yourself. You’re sweaty, you’ll all pumped up, your eyes are sticking out two inches for crying out loud. So the guy got on you in a flame war, big deal. Let it go man, you’re going to have a heart attack. That wasn’t him.”
TimW: “But…but…”
Delio: “I mean it, bro – just forget it. What are the chances of us seeing him, out here in the middle of Florida, on a motorcycle?”
TimW: “Good! Because he’s taunting me – that’s what he’s doing. He’s going where I go, just popping up and popping out before anyone else can see him, trying to make me nuts!”
Delio: “Well if that’s the case, he’s succeeding because you’re about as nutty as a Cherry Tree.”
GoldenGXE: “You mean a Walnut tree.”
Delio: “Whatever”
TimW just folds his hands across his chest and fumes.
TimW: “Hmmph!!”
** ** ** ** **
It’s now an hour later, the motorcycle episode is all but forgotten and the boyz are zoning out along the vast concrete expanse. Delio has dozed off in the passenger seat, as has TimW in the back, as has GoldenGXE in the drivers seat. Slowly awakening, TimW opens one eye and views the world passing beyond the glass. Slowly passing the Suburban is a yellow Porsche Carrera Cabriolet. The car is traveling about four or five MPH faster than the Suburban and right now is even with TimW’s window. The car is top-down, giving TimW a clear, unobstructed view of the driver. TimW leaps up in his seat.
TimW: “There that punk is AGAIN!”
A second time TimW goes ballistic, pointing and yelling at the top of his lungs at the German sports car. Delio is rudely awakened from his nap, just as the Porsche is passing his window. He sees the side and then rear of the drivers hair, but the driver is wearing sunglasses and a New York Knicks baseball cap – Delio cannot tell if its Woodear or not.
Delio: “Will you puh-leez stop it?!”
TimW: “But I’m SURE that was him. I’d recognize that face anywhere! That good for nothing, BMW love’n, flame post’n, EricL hat’n, Booker diss’n…..”
GoldenGXE: “Dude, get a hold of yourself! Just listen to yourself. You’ve got Woodear on the brain, you’re starting to see him everywhere. An hour ago you said that he was passing us on a motorcycle. Now you see him driving a Porsche. How could he have passed us twice, within an hour, going the same direction, in two different vehicles??!! Get a grip man.”
** ** ** **
A few hours later the trio is approaching the Hilton & Towers in downtown Orlando. GoldenGXE swings the land barge into the circular driveway and brings it to a halt in front of the main doors. One of the hotel valets jumps to attention & opens GoldenGXE’s door. GoldenGXE crams a ten dollar bill into the young mans hand.
GoldenGXE (to valet): “There’s a bunch of bags in the back, get ‘em, ok?”
Valet “Yes, sir.”
Suddenly on the other side of the car the rear door bursts open and TimW vaults out of the car, diving onto a passerby. TimW knocks the man to the ground and begins wailing away on his dome. The man’s wife goes into hysterics.
Wife: “Get off him! Stop hitting my husband!!”
TimW: “Now I’ve got you, Woodear you puke! What do you think, that I don’t know what you’re doing you piece of trash!? As if I don’t get enough of your @$$ on the BBS, now you’re following me around!”
All during his rant, TimW has been swinging like crazy & landing blows on the startled man. The man’s wife is swinging her purse and smacking TimW upside the head to no avail. Delio leaps out of the passenger seat and, along with two or three of the valets, manages to pull TimW off of the bewildered man. With the aid of his wife, the man manages to get back to his feet. He is not Woodear.
Man: “What the……what in the $#%* is wrong with you?!?”
Man’s Wife: “Are you completely nuts? Attacking innocent people???”
TimW stammers with an apology.
TimW: “Gee, I’m so sorry…I thought that you were Woodear.”
Man: “Well I’m NOT,…but thanks anyway.”
The man’s wife grabs his hand and snorts: “Boy, this hotel is really going down hill. They’ll let anyone in here now. C’mon Edward.”
With that the two storm off.
GoldenGXE: “Have you completely lost your marbles? You can’t go around jumping people.”
TimW: “Did you see that guy??? He looked just like that weasel Woodear!”
Delio: “You know, he did look a little bit like that punk. I wonder what he meant by “thanks anyway””.
** ** ** **
Its now an hour later, the trio have checked into their rooms, bellman have delivered their luggage and they are all relaxing in Delio’s suite. Delio does everything robustly & true to style, he’s putting up $400 a night for a bridal suite. The suite is fully equipped and the three are just settling in for a cocktail at the fully stocked wet bar.
Delio: “I know what we need, a little G&T action, who’s in?”
GoldenGXE: “Sign me up.”
TimW: “Ditto”
With that, Delio grabs three glasses and pours. He turns and opens the freezer.
Delio: “Darn, there’s no ice.”
TimW: “No problem (grabs an ice bucket) there’s an ice machine down by the elevators, I’ll make a run.”
TimW disappears out the door. A few moments later Delio and GoldenGXE hear a shriek followed by several thumping sounds.
TimW (from the hallway outside the room): “WOODEAR!”
Delio and GoldenGXE look at each other and bolt out into the hallway, there they see TimW again on top of some unsuspecting slob, wailing away. They grab him and pull him, kicking and screaming, off of the man.
Man: “What the &$^#$ is wrong with you %$#heads?!!”
GoldenGXE: “Sorry man, it was a case of mistaken identity.”
Man (fully agitated at the attack): “Yeah, well how about if I mistakenly kick your @$$?!!”
GoldenGXE (who’s ire is now rising too): “I said it was a mistake!”
Man: “You’re the only mistake around here!”
GoldenGXE: “Listen you worthless piece of #@&* - if you think you want a piece of me, then I’ve got just two words for you………..BRING – IT – ON!!”
TimW leans over and whispers something in GoldenGXE’s ear.
GoldenGXE: “Oh.”
** ** ** **
Fast forward another hour. The trio has decided to get out and enjoy some rays. Lounging poolside, the boyz are doing their best to live down the encounter in the hallway, forget about Woodear, BMW’s, Peelboy, JustinMc – and just relax.
GoldenGXE: “Now this is the life. Beautiful weather, beautiful women, a cool lemonade…”
Delio (butting in): “And no Woodear!”
Baaaaaahaha!! They are sharing the yuk at Woodear’s expense, when suddenly TimW sits up in his lounge chair and begins eyeing the water in the pool intently. The other two are on immediate alert.
GoldenGXE: “What? You’d better not be……”
Too late. TimW is up and sprinting towards the shallow end of the pool. Once at poolside, he leaps into the air, heading directly towards an underwater swimmer. Sensing the impending disaster, Delio and GoldenGXE are already en route.
TimW is now directly above his target and hits the water full force, feet first. He lands directly in the center of the back of the man who is swimming breast stroke style, about six inches above the bottom of the pool, in water merely three feet deep. The force of TimW’s 205 lbs drives the man’s face into the cement pool floor, knocking him unconscious. TimW starts thrashing and screaming like a man possessed.
TimW: “I’ve had enough of you Woodear, you piece of trash! This time I’m going to finish you off! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!”
Delio and GoldenGXE jump in and pull TimW off of the submerged human. Lifeguards and hotel staff jump in and grab the wilted figure of a man. Delio and GoldenGXE manage to get TimW up onto the lawn. A small crowd has gathered around the lifeguards attempting to revive the man. They are administering CPR, and the man is slowly beginning to respond. Delio slips into the pack and takes a look. He returns to the gruesome twosome.
Delio: “That fellow is NOT Woodear.”
GoldenGXE: “Listen Tim, you’ve got to…..”
Before he can finish his sentence, he is interrupted by a voice from behind. It’s the hotel’s General Manager. The GM is flanked on either side by four hotel security (rent-a-cop) officers.
GM: “Gentlemen, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Delio: “I know, I know. We’re going to head back up to our rooms now.”
GM: “You don’t understand. I don’t mean leave the pool area, I mean leave the hotel. Please pack your things and go.”
GoldenGXE: “Hey, wait a minute! We paid full rate for those rooms….”
GM: “Your money will be refunded.”
GoldenGXE: “You can’t just go around…..”
GM: “I can and I am. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. I can’t have guests running around assaulting other guests of the hotel. Now please, don’t make me contact the authorities.”
Delio (realizing they’re sunk): “Yeh, yeh.”
The GM points across a small atrium area: “You can cross the atrium here, go through those doors, make a right at the Modena room and use the service elevator.”
GoldenGXE: “C’mon guys.”
The dejected trio head towards the atrium door. They enter it and, following the General Manager’s instructions, pass in front of the Modena room. GoldenGXE is busy gabbing with Delio, they do not look up as they pass the Modena conference room. TimW, however, does, and freezes in his tracks. GoldenGXE and Delio take about another ten steps before the realize that that TimW is no longer walking with them. They stop and turn around to see him frozen, leering into the propped open doors to the Modena room.
Delio: “C’mon man, hurry up. You’ve gotten us into enough trouble, now lets just get outta here.”
TimW does not respond, he just continues to glare into the room. Curiosity piqued, the other two join him and look. They too become frozen. Inside, the Modena room is filled with five foot eleven Asian men. They all are wearing either BMW or Lexus shirts. They’re standing around either debating cars, hurling insults at one another, or eyeballing the trophy table.
The trophy table is located at the far end of the room. On the table are two trophies. The large one is about three feet tall and formed in the splitting image of Woodear. The other trophy is about 18 inches high. A pile of $20 dollar gift certificates from BMW’s And More, on 51st street is next to the trophies.
Above the table is a large banner. The banner reads:
BMW OF TRENTON
WELCOME CONTESTANTS TO THE FIRST ANNUAL WOODEAR LOOK ALIKE CONTEST.
GoldenGXE (mouth nearly on the floor): “I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it.”
Guy who used to post a lot. |
